July 12, 2008

A Question of Self-Esteem

Q: "What is self-esteem? Is it another word for self-confidence?"

A: No, they are different. SELF-ESTEEM deals with the image we
have of ourselves. It is about how we see and FEEL about
ourselves. It is about the degree to which we VALUE ourselves.
Those who have a positive self-image, hold themselves in ESTEEM.
(They have high self-esteem.)

Those who have a negative self-image, hold themselves in
contempt, believe they have little value or are convinced they
are worthless. (They have low self-esteem.)

Although self-esteem is about belief in ourselves, SELF-
CONFIDENCE is about belief in our abilities. The first belief
deals with how we perceive our value as a human. The second with
how well equipped (skilful) we believe we are to deal with life.

Q: "How important is self-esteem?"

A: Extremely. In fact, of the four steps to success, it is the
most important.

Q: "What are the four steps to success?"

A: To succeed in life, or reach our dreams, there are four
requirements:

1. We need to know what we want.
2. We need to believe we deserve it.
3. We need to believe we can achieve it.
4. We need to take the action steps that will lead us to our goal.

Step number two is the most important. It can make us or break us.

Q: "Why is that?"

A: Well, we can use REASON, analysis, and planning to learn what
we want (Step 1) and how to get it (Step 4). And if we don't have
all the skills we need to reach our goal (Step 3), reason, again,
will come to our aid. For reason tells us if we lack skills, we
can take a course, attend a school, or hire an instructor to
bring us up to par.

Reason and logic rely on the tool of language, which belongs to
the domain of the conscious mind. The subconscious has its own
language, which consists mainly of IMAGES and FEELINGS. The
images are similar to video clips of events in our lives (our
memories). And feelings are the emotions associated with the
`video clips.' We can no more use logic to change our memories
than we can use logic to change the video on a DVD.

Our self-esteem resides in the subconscious, so it is out of the
reach of logic. This is why it is impossible to cure an anorexic
with logic. No use telling her she is starving herself to death,
for her subconscious believes she is too fat. If we can't cure an
anorexic or change our self-image with logic, does that mean we
are condemned to remain the same?

Not at all. It simply means we have to use the same language as
the subconscious, which consists of images and feelings. We can
overwrite our past `video clips' and feelings with new ones.

On a subconscious level, those who have low self-
esteem don't believe they deserve to succeed. Once this belief is
in place, the subconscious will do everything in its power to
live consistent with this belief.

Occasionally, someone with low self-esteem will stumble on
success, win the lottery, or have success thrust on them, but as
soon as that happens, the subconscious gets busy, tearing down
their success to bring them down to the level it believes they
belong. That's why Step 2 of the four steps to success is so
important.

Low self-esteem can easily lead to a dead-end street. That's why
the best-selling author of "The Road Less Traveled," M. Scott
Peck, MD (1936 ~ 2005), wrote, "Until you value yourself, you
will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not
do anything with it."

Q: "Since self-esteem is so important, how can I raise mine?"

A: Here are some steps you can take to boost your self-esteem:

1. Low self-esteem or a poor self-image is associated with
negative thinking while high self-esteem is associated with
positive thinking. So, start thinking like a successful person
today. That is, become a positive thinker. Here is a fact: You
can raise your self-esteem as high as you wish. Granted, it may
take a little work, but it is well in your power. That is a fact.
That is a positive fact. That is something to be grateful for.
So, start being grateful and positive today. Like Walt Whitman
(1819 ~ 1892), repeat these words every day, "I am as bad as the
worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best."

2. Check out the article mentioned earlier to learn how to
overwrite your past.

3. Choose your friends carefully. Today, with great pain, I
dropped a close friend of many years. Over the years we have gone
in different directions, he becoming very negative. All of us
become like those we associate with. I cannot afford to hang
around negative people and neither can you.

4. To understand this next fact, you will have to do more than
open your mind; you'll have to open your heart. Here is the fact:
Those who are responsible for your less than satisfactory self-
esteem did the best they could under the circumstances. Like
yours, their upbringing was less than perfect. Because of these
facts, forgive them. Once you do so, you will feel better. You
will feel better because you will have become a better person. In
other words, you will have added to your value, you will have
become more worthy. Reworded, you will have raised your own self-
esteem. The reason it is so important to learn how to forgive
others is that you will be unable to forgive yourself until you
can forgive others. And once you forgive yourself for your own
failings, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders and your
self-esteem will rise another notch.

5. Do good. Help others. Become a volunteer. Support, encourage,
and uplift everyone you meet. These actions will make the world a
better place. Because of your contributions, you will feel
valuable and worthy (that's another way of saying you will
experience high self-esteem). Besides, as you encourage others,
they will encourage you, boosting your self-esteem even further.

6. Practice visualization exercises. If you don't know how to,
borrow or buy a book or attend a workshop. Remember, the language
of the subconscious is images and feelings, not logic. So, close
your eyes and see yourself as the person you wish to become. How
is the person you wish to become breathing and feeling? Copy
those same patterns. As you grow skilful and can clearly see the
person you wish to become, see yourself stand up (in your mind's
eye), walk up to the person you want to become, and step into its
body, just like you are putting on new clothes. With frequent
practice, the message will reach the subconscious and it will
start acting consistent with the new image of yourself.

7. To reinforce the visualization exercise and carry it a step
further, follow the advice of William James (1842 ~ 1910) and ACT
LIKE the person you wish to become. Pretend you are an actor and
the world is your stage. Pretend you are the person you wish to
become and give your best possible performance. Increase your
acting skills with practice, acting more each day like the person
you wish to become. This powerful exercise is magical. If you
practice it religiously, before long you will believe you have
indeed become the new you. After all, as you act as the person
you wish to become, people start treating you differently. As
they treat you with more respect, you develop more self-respect.
In short, they act as stage directors in your play, guiding you
to becoming the person you want to be and were meant to be.

8. As Brian Tracy teaches, "Never say anything about yourself you
do not want to come true." (After all, your subconscious is
listening.) That is, even in jest, never say things like, "I'm so
stupid..."

9. Stop being self-critical and focus on the positive. To change
your focus, keep a journal titled "What's Great about Me." At the
end of each day list your accomplishments, positive attributes,
and what you are proud of. Do this long enough and you will
experience a dramatic shift for the better in your self-image.

Q: Can you recommend some books on self-esteem?

A: Because of the pervasiveness of self-esteem problems, many
excellent books are available. You won't have to study many books
as long as you apply what you learn from one good book.

Dr. Nathaniel Branden's "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem"

No comments: